7 Lessons for Living from the Dying: How to Nurture What Really Matters (2020), by Karen M. Wyatt, M.D. This is my most often recommended title. As a hospice physician, Karen Wyatt found meaningful learning in the stories of her patients. She collected those stories and the wisdom inherent in them into a concise, easy to read and understand guide to personal and spiritual development. Simple yet profound, it provides practical ways to cultivate a more meaningful life. You can learn more about Dr. Wyatt at her website. (Note that the original edition was titled What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying (2011).)
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A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death (2019), by B.J. Miller and Shoshana Berger. While the above book focuses on life lessons, this book is exactly what it says: practical. It is a great resource for anyone approaching end of life or wanting to be prepared for that stage. Like the Wyatt book, it is also clear and concise and easy to read. It is full of helpful information for what to expect - in yourself, others, and the medical industry - what your options might look like, and what things you might want to consider when making decisions.
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Children's books about death and dying have also proliferated. Whether you are wanting to introduce the topic (and I encourage you to do so) in preparation for when a death of a loved one inevitably occurs (human or otherwise) or if that time has already arrived, a picture book can be a helpful tool. I have selected a bibliography of children's picture books about end of life as a resource for parents and others. It includes brief comments about each book and information to help you utilize them. |
Advance Directives
An advance directive is a legal document defining the types and levels of medical intervention that you do and do not wish to receive. Its purpose is to speak for you when you are unable to speak for yourself due to loss of consciousness or cognitive function. Three potentially life extending interventions often covered are resuscitation of the heart, intubation of the lungs, and feeding through a tube inserted directly to the stomach. The document also allows you to designate a health care agent to make decisions based on the wishes you have outlined and any other intentional conversation you have had with that person. An advance directive can be brief and simple or can be as detailed as you choose to make it. It will need to be notarized or else signed by disinterested witnesses.
The Conversation Project aims "to help everyone talk about their wishes for care through the end of life, so those wishes can be understood and respected." They offer several free downloadable conversation starter kits.
Coda Alliance offers another conversation starter option in for form of a deck of cards called Go Wish. Each card has a question about end of life values that you can sort and rank in your own personal degree of importance. You can also use a free online version.
Honoring Choices Minnesota, an initiative of the Twin Cities Medical Society, provides free fillable forms to download, either long or short versions, in seven languages, as well as additional resources.
Minnesota Attorney General's Office offers this free version.
Five Wishes provides low-cost fillable documents available in paper form or online and in 30 languages.
Funeral Consumers Alliance offers the most comprehensive option, covering topics such as your online/social media presence, pets, location of important documents, credit cards, and more. Titled Before I Go, it is available in paper ($15) or downloadable ($10) formats.
The Conversation Project aims "to help everyone talk about their wishes for care through the end of life, so those wishes can be understood and respected." They offer several free downloadable conversation starter kits.
Coda Alliance offers another conversation starter option in for form of a deck of cards called Go Wish. Each card has a question about end of life values that you can sort and rank in your own personal degree of importance. You can also use a free online version.
Honoring Choices Minnesota, an initiative of the Twin Cities Medical Society, provides free fillable forms to download, either long or short versions, in seven languages, as well as additional resources.
Minnesota Attorney General's Office offers this free version.
Five Wishes provides low-cost fillable documents available in paper form or online and in 30 languages.
Funeral Consumers Alliance offers the most comprehensive option, covering topics such as your online/social media presence, pets, location of important documents, credit cards, and more. Titled Before I Go, it is available in paper ($15) or downloadable ($10) formats.
Dying at Home/After-Death Body Care/Home Funeral
Part of the growing movement around end of life includes, for some, the desire to remain in their own home, to maintain the deceased's body in the home for vigil and visitation, and even to have a funeral service at home. Generally, having a more personal and involved experience benefits loved ones in terms of psychologically and emotionally processing the death and beginning the grieving journey, but it is, of course, not the right plan for everyone. In addition to the desire and commitment, you will need the support of a hospice team for at-home care up until death as well as a community of loved ones to help afterwards. I can explore these options with you and help facilitate your intended plan.
National Home Funeral Alliance is dedicated to increasing access to information related to community-led after-death care. (Both the organization and its website are undergoing some reconstruction, but you can still find lots of information there.)
The Order of the Good Death provides resources, advocates for new legislation, and offers support for alternative forms of death care. You can check out their home funeral resource page as well as browse around the rest of the website.
Mary's Home Funeral is a six-minute video created by home funeral educator Charlene Elderkin. Set to meaningful music, it illustrates how the process might look.
National Home Funeral Alliance is dedicated to increasing access to information related to community-led after-death care. (Both the organization and its website are undergoing some reconstruction, but you can still find lots of information there.)
The Order of the Good Death provides resources, advocates for new legislation, and offers support for alternative forms of death care. You can check out their home funeral resource page as well as browse around the rest of the website.
Mary's Home Funeral is a six-minute video created by home funeral educator Charlene Elderkin. Set to meaningful music, it illustrates how the process might look.
Body Disposition Options
Contemporary burial practices waste a tremendous amount of resources (wood, metal, concrete), discharge bodily fluids into public water systems as part of the embalming process, and over time deposit hazardous chemicals into the ground from embalming fluid. Cremation has become an increasingly popular alternative, but it also has a significant environmental impact through energy consumption and emissions. Natural burial, or green burial, allows for the body’s natural decomposition and restricts the inclusion of non-biodegradable materials. Resomation is a newer alternative that uses water, pressure, heat, and acid to reduce the body to remains that are similar to cremation remains. It is considered much more eco-friendly and is available in Minnesota. Human body composting and other natural decomposition methods are being developed and/or used in some states.
Prairie Oaks Memorial Eco Gardens is Minnesota's first green cemetery, and to my knowledge remains the only cemetery dedicated exclusively to green burial. They offer biodegradable caskets and urns in addition to burial plots.
Green Burial Council is a national organization advocating for environmentally sustainable, natural death care through educational efforts and a certification process for providers. You can learn more about green burial and search for certified providers who share these values.
Resomation (see also above) is also known as alkaline hydrolysis or green cremation. In Minnesota, it is available through Bradshaw Funeral and Cremation Services.
Direct cremation lowers costs by eliminating the use of an actual funeral home. The body is retrieved, transported, cremated, and remains returned directly to the family of the deceased. The provider may or may not have a brick-and-mortar business. You can find a price listing for MN here.
Better Place Forests maintains a small number of forests in a handful of states, including one in St. Croix Valley, MN. Cremation remains (cremains) can be buried at designated trees.
Funeral Resources MN provides more detailed and comprehensive information about many of the options described here as well as additional resources, including body donation options.
Prairie Oaks Memorial Eco Gardens is Minnesota's first green cemetery, and to my knowledge remains the only cemetery dedicated exclusively to green burial. They offer biodegradable caskets and urns in addition to burial plots.
Green Burial Council is a national organization advocating for environmentally sustainable, natural death care through educational efforts and a certification process for providers. You can learn more about green burial and search for certified providers who share these values.
Resomation (see also above) is also known as alkaline hydrolysis or green cremation. In Minnesota, it is available through Bradshaw Funeral and Cremation Services.
Direct cremation lowers costs by eliminating the use of an actual funeral home. The body is retrieved, transported, cremated, and remains returned directly to the family of the deceased. The provider may or may not have a brick-and-mortar business. You can find a price listing for MN here.
Better Place Forests maintains a small number of forests in a handful of states, including one in St. Croix Valley, MN. Cremation remains (cremains) can be buried at designated trees.
Funeral Resources MN provides more detailed and comprehensive information about many of the options described here as well as additional resources, including body donation options.
Grief & Bereavement
To me, the main thing to keep in mind about grief is that there is no correct, prescribed, or expected way to move through it. It can be helpful to have some awareness of different stages, but know that they are not linear. There is no time limit, although our culture--especially in the area of employment--may try to enforce one. Personal support can come from loved ones, peers sharing an experience of loss, a non-friend companion such as myself, or a professional therapist if you believe that is warranted.
Brighter Days Grief Center is local to MN and provides an array of bereavement support services and referrals for all ages.
Center for Loss & Life Transition. Alan Wolfelt is a national leader in understanding grief and offering support to the bereaved. His website offers well-organized educational information and an extensive bookstore.
Grief.com. David Kessler is another grief expert in the United States. His website offers educational information, FAQs about grief, free videos, links to workshops, books, directories, and more.
Nora McInerny is an author, speaker, podcast host, and founder of The Hot Young Widows Club. She perfectly blends humor with honesty to address loss, grief, and healing.
We the Bereaved is a short film featuring individuals sharing their personal lived experiences with grief.
The Wind Blows, The Ice Breaks: Poems of Loss and Renewal by Minnesota Poets, edited by Ted Bowman and Elizabeth Bourque Johnson. Poetry can speak to us in ways that other writing cannot, in ways that reach more directly into our hearts and our souls. This is a lovely collection that covers a broad variety of losses.
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief, by Joanne Cacciatore. I have not read this book yet, but I include it here because it comes so highly recommended to me by someone I hold in the highest esteem, who found it integral to their own healing.
Lastly, here is a simple visual:
Brighter Days Grief Center is local to MN and provides an array of bereavement support services and referrals for all ages.
Center for Loss & Life Transition. Alan Wolfelt is a national leader in understanding grief and offering support to the bereaved. His website offers well-organized educational information and an extensive bookstore.
Grief.com. David Kessler is another grief expert in the United States. His website offers educational information, FAQs about grief, free videos, links to workshops, books, directories, and more.
Nora McInerny is an author, speaker, podcast host, and founder of The Hot Young Widows Club. She perfectly blends humor with honesty to address loss, grief, and healing.
We the Bereaved is a short film featuring individuals sharing their personal lived experiences with grief.
The Wind Blows, The Ice Breaks: Poems of Loss and Renewal by Minnesota Poets, edited by Ted Bowman and Elizabeth Bourque Johnson. Poetry can speak to us in ways that other writing cannot, in ways that reach more directly into our hearts and our souls. This is a lovely collection that covers a broad variety of losses.
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief, by Joanne Cacciatore. I have not read this book yet, but I include it here because it comes so highly recommended to me by someone I hold in the highest esteem, who found it integral to their own healing.
Lastly, here is a simple visual:
Medical Aid in Dying
Medical Aid in Dying is the process for a terminally ill, mentally competent adult to request and procure a medical prescription and ingest it at a time of their choosing in order to end their life. It is legal in ten states plus the District of Columbia. It is not legal in Minnesota, but you can join the legalization effort and find lots more information at Compassion & Choices.